How to give mum guilt the middle finger.

I never really knew what mum guilt was & to be honest I'd never really given it a thought while I was pregnant. Now my baby's here I know just how very real mum guilt is! It's horrendously belittling & a really difficult emotion to push aside. But it is possible! I can assure you that it is possible to give mum guilt the middle finger.

I kept mum guilt with me for a long time, drowning with negative emotions. 2020 however was a turning point for me and quoting myself from the Navigating The Motherhood podcast 'mum guilt no longer lives in my house'. Today I'm going to be showing you how to push those feelings aside and give mum guilt the middle finger.

What is mum guilt?

Mum guilt is an invasive feeling that you're not doing enough as a parent. It doesn't matter whether you're a new mum or an experienced mum it seems there's no escape from such intense guilt. Mum guilt can make us feel an immense amount of pressure. It makes us feel like we need to better ourselves as parents to fix the problem. It's all about the 'should haves' and the 'supposed tos'. It's comparing ourselves to other mums and feeling as though we aren't doing enough for our children.

Where does mum guilt come from?

Mum guilt has numerous different origins from pressures of other mums, friends, family & social media sources. Although when polled (and rather not surprisingly) the vast majority of my audience of mums said that it was themselves that puts the pressure on.

**It's all bullshit & we need to give mum guilt the middle finger!**

My experiences with mum guilt.

When polled 99% of my audience had said that they have experienced mum guilt. Over three quarters of those said that they'd felt consumed by it on a daily basis. It's a really heartbreaking statistic, but one I'm not at all surprised by because I've been there!

The newborn days felt like the hardest! I had absolutely no experience when it came to parenting and I was overwhelmed with the amount of advice I was given, somewhat unsolicitedly. The doubts kicked in even more so when when my daughter didn't quite fit the 'textbook baby' prototype. My mind spiralled into disarray and the mum guilt came out in full force.

* I felt guilt when she wasn't hitting milestones *

* I felt guilt for giving up breastfeeding *

* I felt guilt for feeling frustrated *

The emotions that come with mum guilt.

It's a lot of emotion for a new mum to feel when hormones are already all over the place, however unfortunately this wasn't going to be my last dance with mum guilt. It seemed that the older my daughter was getting, the more my mum guilt was evolving. I feel that the older she was getting, the problems I was facing and the guilt I was feeling was becoming more severe. She wasn't my baby anymore, she was my little girl & although I was moulding her as best I could, it still never felt like I was doing enough to turn her into the perfect human being.

* Like there's any such thing as perfect! *

It was only when I began to think of myself as a perfectly imperfect mum that I started to cut myself some slack. I was able enjoy being a parent & I began giving mum guilt the middle finger. 

 How to give mum guilt the middle finger.

Obviously these tips are going to be easier said than done & I'm definitely not one for preaching, but even if they make you think and reassess even the slightest amount, I think they'll help with giving your mum guilt the middle finger.

Release the need to be perfect.

Ask yourself who you're trying to be perfect for? I'd imagine that a lot of you would say you were trying to be perfect parents for your children, which in itself is very noble and admirable, but is it really what our children want?

Our kids just want us to be there for them! They don't care if we haven't got to the bottom of the laundry basket or if we're still wearing the same tracksuit bottoms as yesterday. They just want us there with them, in their presence, soaking every inch of them up.

I'm of the opinion that time spent with your children can never be wasted time. Who cares if for that half an hour you were watching Disney+ instead of providing a stimulating activity for your child? You got to spend time with them & that's so bloody precious. 

Stop comparing yourself & your child.

We've all heard the saying 'all children are different' haven't we, but have you actually thought that all mothers are different too? We're never really taught what to do when our freshly birthed baby is placed upon our chest, we're all just winging it... Only some people are better at hiding it!

We all have the exact same insecurities when it comes to parenting our children. I think it's important to remember that what you're seeing on someones social media profile isn't a full representation of their lives & truthfully they're probably struggling just as much as you are.

Milestones are a huge one when it comes to comparing our babies. I think it's really difficult to get out of the comparison game but it's imperative that we do so! Will it matter when our children are of school age who took their first steps at 10 months or 18 months? Would you even be able to tell?.. Absolutely not.

Reclaim yourself outside of motherhood. 

I've spoken a lot about how I hate the term 'just a mum', it's a really wanky phrase however it's one I feel is important to keep in mind. Yes we are mothers, but we're also people outside of that too.

We were someone else before our children came into the world, and although we're different now, we haven't got less to offer, we've got more!

I'm not talking about giving what we've got to other people, I'm talking about giving to ourselves! We deserve to fill our own cups and feel fulfilment outside of motherhood without having that pang of guilt. We deserve to feel fearless being ourselves as well as mothers.

Surround yourself with positivity.

If you're surrounded by people make you feel guilty about the way you're brining up your child, then that's simply just not okay. There is absolutely no way you can parent to the best of your ability if you're letting others bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

In order to be the best parent you can be you need to drop the negativity and surround yourself with positivity. You should feel confident in yourself and your abilities as a parent. You just need to believe in yourself, because you're an amazing mum!

I think these things are obviously easier said than done. But even if they've made you think just a tiny amount, this article has been successful!

How often are you feeling mum guilt? Do you feel as though it consumes you at all? Let's open the conversation & give the stigma the middle finger!

Claire.X

Related post: Letting go of mum guilt and doing things for me.