How parents can avoid the escalation trap

I can’t think of a single parent or family that I have ever met that has not fallen into the escalation trap at least once! For many parents, falling into this trap can just be part of their normal day to day life. For others, it may be a rarer occurrence.

Either way, understanding what an “escalation trap” is and knowing how to avoid it, can lead to positive changes in your child’s behaviour and your confidence as a parent.

_{[Photo by Ioann-Mark Kuznietsov on Unsplash]}

What is the escalation trap?

An escalation trap is a situation in which a parent or child escalates their behaviour/actions in order to get an outcome that they want. An escalation trap can be initiated by either a parent or a child. For example, you could have a child who escalates their behaviour when they don’t get what they want. Alternatively, you could have a parent who escalates consequences when their child doesn’t comply. Regardless of who initiates the escalation, it nearly always leads to a more challenging situation.

The reason it is described as a trap, is because it is a sequence of behaviour that both parents and children can become trapped into. Parents may feel that escalating their actions is the only way to get their child to comply. Furthermore, a child may escalate because they feel it is the only way they are listened to.

Escalation will only encourage more escalation. It is a cycle of behaviour that parents more often than not, want to avoid. However, they feel trapped into escalating their actions, as it is the only way to get their child to comply. Equally, a child will escalate their behaviour should this usually be successful in getting them what they want, or if they feel they have no other choice.

Here are some more detailed examples of what the escalation trap looks like. There are two examples, one initiated by the parent and the other by the child.

Parent initiated escalation:

A parent has a child who is playing on their computer. The parent has requested that they stop playing on their computer to come and eat their dinner. A few minutes later, the child hasn’t budged and remains on their computer. Therefore, the parent approaches again and repeats their request.

Once again, the child does not comply and continues to play on their computer. More frustrated, the parent approaches a third time and asks in a more stern voice that their child stops what they are doing and comes for dinner. The child ignores the request again. Therefore the parent, feeling a lot angrier, now threatens the child, stating that if they do not come for dinner immediately, their computer will be removed. This results in the child finally complying as a result of this threat.

What has the child learned in this situation? They have learned that they can continue to ignore their parent until a threat is given. The parent has escalated their actions in order to get their child to comply. As a result, this creates a pattern of behaviour in which the child will learn that they do not need to comply, until a threat is given. This is a dynamic that will only encourage more escalation from the parent in the future.

Child initiated escalation:

A teenager wants to go out with friends and stay out beyond their curfew. The parent has declined this request, as they have school the next day. Annoyed and frustrated, the teenager begins to beg their parent to be allowed to stay out with friends. This request continues to be declined, leading to the teenager becoming more angry and upset.

In an attempt to get what they want, the teenagers begins to escalate their behaviour, by complaining, shouting, saying how unfair the parent is being and trying everything they can to get what they want. Getting more annoyed, the parent continues to decline and is getting visibly more frustrated at being repeatedly asked.

The teenager noticing the parent getting more agitated, gets louder and more unpleasant. They continue to do so until the parent finally gives in and lets the teenager get what they want… So they can get some peace!

What has the teenager learned in this situation? They have learned that if they make life as unpleasant as they can for the parent, by escalating their behaviour, there is more chance of them getting what they want. Ultimately, this means the teenager will repeat this type of behaviour again and again, whenever presented with a similar situation.

Many parents are reluctantly living in the escalation trap without even realising it

Daniel bowden

How to avoid the escalation trap?

These examples and others similar, can very quickly become just an accepted part of family life. Many parents are reluctantly living in the escalation trap without even realising it. So how do you avoid the escalation trap or how do you get out of it?

My answer to both these questions is the same and there are two parts to it. Firstly, by having a plan in place that challenges negative behaviour and rewards positive behaviour. Secondly, by being clear, calm and consistent in all your responses.

Consequence Plans

Parents need to have an effective consequence plan that they can use to challenge negative behaviour. I encourage all the parents I work with, to try and change their mindset away from allowing their child multiple chances to comply. Instead, only allowing the child one chance before action is taken. This may seem harsh, but it teaches the child to respect you as a parent when making a request, rather than only responding when threatened by a parent.

For a more detailed look at consequence plans and how to effectively put consequences in place, please see these other posts I have written:

3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children

7 Steps to Encourage Your Child to Follow Instructions

Praise and Reward Plans

Equally as important as consequence plans, is to encourage and promote positive behaviours with effective use of praise and rewards. This can often be the forgotten part of behaviour management by parents. Therefore, to help these parents understand, I tend to pose the following question to parents. What would motivate you more at work, a pay rise or a pay reduction? I know what I would pick! Rewards can be a more powerful motivator than consequences. 

Therefore, try to think about a reward structure that you can have in place to help motivate your child to comply, follow rules and behave positively. I discuss this in more depth in the following post; Why is it Important to Use Praise and Reward with Children?

When presented with a child who is escalating their behaviour, the key is to remain calm, remain clear and remain consistent

Daniel bowden

Clear, Calm and Consistent

Finally, being clear, calm and consistent is an absolute essential! It can be challenging to remain calm when faced with escalating behaviours. However, this is why it is important to have a plan in place that you can consistently follow. Having this plan can help you remain calm and focused on what your next step is, regardless of the behaviour in front of you. Furthermore, having this plan avoids you as a parent escalating your own behaviour, as you have planned in advance what you are going to do.

Being consistent and sticking to your plan is what will make the difference in the long run. Your child seeing you respond in the same way time and time again, will help them understand in future what is going to happen if they continue to escalate. In turn, this will likely end up with them modifying their behaviours in line with what you want. Usually because you have left them with no choice. It will also have a positive impact on your relationship with your child, which is another important aspect to consider. If your relationship with your child is a challenging one, feel free to read the following post I wrote on this topic; 5 Ways of Improving Relationships with Our Children.

You can avoid it! You can change it!

When presented with a child who is escalating their behaviour, the key is to remain calm, remain clear and remain consistent. Calm in the way you talk and engage, do not get drawn into unnecessary arguments or debates. Clear in what you say and your instructions, do not leave any wiggle room or loop holes. Consistent in how you respond, follow a plan, stick to the plan and see it through.

As I mentioned in the opening, I haven’t met a parent yet who hasn’t fallen into the escalation trap. If you think that the escalation trap is a particularly relevant struggle in your day to day life, please be encouraged by the fact you can change it! It is not easy, nor will it be fixed in a day, but you can escape the escalation trap with some persistence and commitment. 

This is an article written by the brilliant Daniel Bowden from The Blog Standard Parent